Attachment Patterns Explained
Maybe It’s Not Just Bad Luck in Love: A Client’s Eye-Opening Shift on Attachment Styles
One of my clients used to tell me, “I always pick the wrong guys.”
On the surface, it looked like another round of bad dates. But over time, something deeper showed up.
She wasn’t unlucky. She was patterned.
And the pattern wasn’t random, it was built years ago, in childhood.
Not just in her nervous system, but in her subconscious beliefs. Beliefs she didn’t even realize she had.
Attachment Patterns Start With What You Learned Before You Could Explain It
Most people think their relationship issues come from bad habits or bad partners.
But those are just symptoms. The real stuff runs underneath.
By the time you're seven, your brain has already logged thousands of emotional “rules” based on how love, attention, safety, and connection worked in your home. These rules live in the subconscious, and they decide what feels familiar, even if familiar isn’t good.
You might say you want emotional safety.
But if you learned that love came with chaos, or that you had to earn connection, your subconscious will steer you back toward that pattern.
Why? Because familiar equals safe. Not to your logical brain, but to your survival wiring.
A Quick Breakdown of Attachment Styles
In adult relationships, those subconscious rules often show up through attachment styles. Here’s a simplified overview:
Secure Attachment
Core belief: “I can be close or separate without panic. I trust the connection.”
Typical behavior: Comfortable with intimacy and independence. Can handle conflict without it feeling like the end of the relationship.
Anxious Attachment
Core belief: “Love can disappear at any moment. I have to stay hyper-aware.”
Typical behavior: Worries about being abandoned, overthinks texts, needs frequent reassurance, can feel clingy or overly preoccupied with the relationship.
Avoidant Attachment
Core belief: “Being close means losing control. I need distance to stay safe.”
Typical behavior: Keeps partners at arm’s length, values independence over closeness, shuts down or withdraws when emotions run high.
Disorganized / Fearful-Avoidant Attachment
Core belief: A mix of anxious and avoidant fears — “I want closeness, but closeness feels dangerous. I can’t trust people, but I can’t stand being alone.”
Typical behavior: Push-pull cycle — craves intimacy but panics when it shows up. May swing between clinginess and coldness.
These aren’t personality traits. They’re survival strategies.
When you’re young, you’re completely dependent upon your caregivers, so your attachment style typically reflects how attuned they were to your needs.
These patterns were built during a time when your brain was trying to make sense of inconsistent or overwhelming emotional environments.
Now I want to point out that a lot of my clients would describe their parents as loving. They knew (logically) that their parents loved them, but for whatever reason there were times in which it felt (emotionally) like that was somehow in jeopardy.
We’re looking at our perception of love and attachment, not blaming our parents for what they did or didn’t do.
A Real Example from a Client
This client grew up with a parent who was emotionally unpredictable, affectionate some days, shut down or angry the next.
Her young brain learned:
“I have to monitor people constantly to stay safe and connected.”
This wired two things into her system:
Her nervous system became hypervigilant, always scanning for signs of abandonment (a subtle shift in tone of voice, changes in body language, etc)
Her subconscious adopted a belief: “If I don’t try hard enough to stay connected, people will leave.”
Fast forward to adulthood:
She overthought every slow text response.
She took silence as rejection.
She clung when people pulled back.
And when someone did stay calm and steady? It felt weird….almost boring.
Because her subconscious wasn’t used to safety. It was used to earning love.
The Nervous System Reacts. The Subconscious Drives.
It’s easy to pin this all on the nervous system, and yes, it’s a big part of it.
But what drives these reactions isn’t just stress chemistry. It’s internalized belief systems:
“I’m too much.”
“If I speak up, I’ll be abandoned.”
“People only care about me when I’m useful.”
“Being alone is safer than being disappointed again.”
You didn’t sit down and choose these beliefs.
They were shaped by the emotional tone of your earliest relationships.
And your subconscious doesn’t just store them, it uses them as filters. So when you meet someone new, your brain quietly asks:
“Do they match the emotional blueprint I grew up with?”
If yes, it feels like chemistry.
If not, it feels off, even if they’re healthy.
How This Shows Up in High-Performers
I’ve seen many high-achieving clients who insist they’re secure and independent.
They rarely fall apart. They don’t seem needy. But here’s the thing:
They don’t feel safe around closeness either. They just cover it with productivity.
Work becomes their buffer.
Accomplishment becomes their way to earn approval.
They keep relationships at a distance, not with walls, but with calendars.
That’s not just a nervous system issue. It’s a deep belief:
“If I slow down, I’ll be exposed. If I open up, I’ll be judged. If I need too much, I’ll be left.”
So What Does Healing Look Like?
There’s no “quick fix” for attachment patterns. But there is a path.
And it starts with this: Your patterns aren’t personal flaws. They’re trained responses.
Here’s how people start moving toward secure attachment:
Spot the old belief: “I always have to prove I’m worth loving.”
Question the logic: “Is that still true now, or just something that felt true?”
Pair that with nervous system regulation: Slow breathing, co-regulation, and noticing when you’re activated vs. actually unsafe.
Choose new experiences: Show up differently. Don’t ghost when things get close. Don’t chase when someone pulls away. Give your system new data.
None of that happens in one weekend.
But over time, with enough safe reps, your subconscious rewires its rules.
And your nervous system stops treating intimacy like a threat.
This is the most common pattern I see:
A partner’s behavior is inconsistent, so you don’t know when/if you’re going to see them again. You don’t make other plans and keep your calendar open “just in case” this partner is available. This leaves you with very little control and turns into an anxious waiting game.
Once you start filling your schedule with other plans and things you enjoy doing, your focus is no longer solely on your partner, and your anxiety dissipates. This typically has the outcome you're trying to achieve in the first place…..your partner showing up.
How to Identify Your Attachment Style
Here are some questions I often ask clients:
Do you feel anxious when you don’t get instant responses from people?
Do you pull away when things feel emotionally intense, even if you like the person?
Do you tend to feel either overly responsible or emotionally distant in relationships?
Does consistency feel boring?
These aren’t labels. They’re starting points.
They point toward the patterns that were ingrained, not chosen.
Here’s a great quiz I send to a lot of my clients: https://quiz.attachmentproject.com/
Final Thought
My client didn’t need to be “fixed.”
She needed to stop blaming herself for patterns she didn’t consciously choose.
Once she saw how her early environment shaped her subconscious and her nervous system, she could finally start choosing something different, intentionally, not automatically.
That’s what this work is really about.
Not perfection. Not control.
Just awareness. Rewiring. And a different kind of safety, the kind you build, not chase.
👉 Get on the waitlist for my book UNPACKED: How to Detach From the Subconscious Beliefs That Are Sabotaging Your Life to start clearing out the baggage that’s been running the show
