Boundaries and Nervous System Healing
The Truth About Boundaries (That Most People Get Wrong)
As much as I hate the word “boundaries” and think it’s overused in pop psychology, they are super important, and I haven’t found a better word to replace it (open to suggestions). So we’re going to stick with “boundaries” for the duration of this blog.
I used to think I was great at setting boundaries. I’d say no if I didn’t have the time. I’d cancel plans if I didn’t have the emotional bandwidth. I’d cut off friendships if they didn’t feel reciprocal. I thought I was being strong. Empowered. In control.
But honestly?
I was just scared.
And my body was doing all the talking.
The truth is, what I called “boundaries” were actually symptoms.
My nervous system wasn’t calm, it was fried.
I wasn’t saying no from a grounded place. I was reacting. Bracing. Shutting down. Overthinking every word in a text. Feeling guilt when I chose myself. Feeling shame when I didn’t.
And here’s what I learned the hard way:
You can’t set healthy boundaries when your nervous system is stuck in survival mode.
What Boundaries Are Really About
Most people think boundaries are about keeping others out.
They're not.
Boundaries aren’t about pushing people away.
They’re about protecting connection, especially with yourself.
A good boundary isn’t a wall. It’s a gate. Something you open and close with intention, based on safety, energy, and clarity.
That means boundaries can say:
“I want to stay close to you, so I need to slow down.”
Or, “I care about this relationship, and I need a pause so I don’t say something I regret.”
The goal isn’t to isolate, it’s to stay in connection, without self-abandoning.
But for a lot of us, that idea feels…impossible.
Because we’ve been trained to think that choosing ourselves means losing someone else.
Which brings me to this next part:
The Role of People-Pleasing
If boundary work feels like emotional whiplash - saying yes when you mean no, then canceling last minute, then apologizing too much - that’s not a personality quirk. That’s a nervous system in a fawn response.
People-pleasing isn’t about being nice.
It’s about managing risk.
It’s a way of saying:
If I keep everyone happy, I’ll be accepted. Maybe I won’t be abandoned. Maybe I won’t have to deal with conflict.
And over time, that coping strategy becomes automatic.
You say yes without checking in.
You smile when you’re uncomfortable.
You answer texts when you’re overwhelmed.
And then you wonder why you feel resentful, burnt out, or invisible.
Boundary avoidance and people-pleasing aren’t opposites.
They’re two parts of the same survival loop.
And unless you address what’s happening in the body, not just the mind, it’ll keep running.
Performative vs. Embodied Boundaries
Here’s a harsh truth I had to learn:
Sometimes, boundaries are just performance.
We say the right thing.
We post about “protecting our peace.”
We copy and paste a therapist-approved script.
But inside, we’re still a mess. Still anxious. Still bracing.
That’s a performative boundary.
It looks right, but it doesn’t feel safe in the body.
You know a boundary is embodied when your body isn’t in defense.
There’s no tension in your chest. No pit in your stomach. No buzzing in your head.
You feel calm.
Clear.
Rooted.
Embodied boundaries don’t need theatrics.
They’re quiet. They’re firm. And they feel safe to both you and the other person.
Which leads to this…
Nervous System Healing Is Boundary Work
You can’t separate the two.
If your nervous system lives in chronic fight-or-flight (or freeze), every relationship becomes a threat.
You won’t know if you’re saying yes out of love or fear.
You won’t know if your no is coming from clarity or shutdown.
Healing your nervous system gives you access to something boundaries need: choice.
It helps you feel your own signals, and respect them.
That’s where real boundaries come from.
So instead of asking, “What should I say?”
Start asking, “What is my body feeling right now?”
That one question will give you more clarity than any script ever could.
Try Low-Stakes Boundary Experiments
You don’t have to start by confronting your parents or walking away from a toxic job. That’s Hollywood healing, not real life.
Start small. Gentle. Low-stakes.
Here are a few:
Let a text sit unread for a couple of hours before you reply.
Say, “I’ll need to check my calendar,” even if you know the answer.
Practice taking 3 breaths or pause for 30 seconds before you say yes or no.
Ask for something slightly inconvenient at a coffee shop.
Say, “Actually, I’m not available for that,” without explaining why.
These are micro-experiments. They’re reps for your nervous system.
Each one teaches your body that you can choose….and survive it.
Because that’s what this is really about.
Not becoming a boundary expert.
Not shutting everyone out.
But learning to stay connected, to others and to yourself, without betraying your body in the process.
If This Hit Home…
There’s so much more to this than I could fit in one post. If this stirred something in you, if you're tired of overthinking your boundaries, second-guessing your needs, or carrying nervous system stress that isn't even yours, I wrote something for you.
My new book, Unpacked, is all about how early survival patterns show up in adult life, especially at work, and how to finally stop letting old wiring call the shots.
It’s out September 16th, and it’s packed with stories, real-life examples, and no-fluff tools to help you make sense of what’s been running underneath the surface for years.
👉 You can preorder it and be the first to get it when it drops.
