Shame, Trauma & Nervous System Healing
If you’re someone who always feels like you’re one slip-up away from being “found out”, like all your successes still aren’t enough to prove your worth, then you probably know shame way too well.
I see this all the time in my clients. On paper, they’re successful. They’ve built careers, raised families, checked all the boxes. But under it? There’s this quiet, gnawing belief: “I’m not good enough.” It might not be loud every day, but it’s there, shaping how they think, work, love, and treat themselves.
And here’s the thing. That’s not by accident. It’s tied to deep, often hidden beliefs planted in childhood, beliefs that still steer the ship today, even if you wish they wouldn’t.
Let’s peel this back layer by layer.
Guilt vs. shame (and why it matters so much)
I always start here, because it clears up so much confusion.
Guilt: “I did something bad.”
Shame: “I am bad.”
Guilt is about behavior. It can push you to make amends, fix something, grow. Shame is about your identity. It doesn’t give you a way out. It just says, “Hide. You’re flawed at the core.”
That difference matters. Because if you’re stuck in shame, you’re less likely to take healthy risks, show up honestly, or even try new things. You’re already sure you’ll mess it up.
Why so many high-achievers carry hidden shame
You’d think the people most crippled by shame would be those who’ve failed a lot. But more often, it’s folks who’ve spent years chasing success, hoping it would finally silence that old inner voice.
Maybe growing up, love felt tied to performance, getting straight A’s, being polite, always helping out. Or maybe you learned early that mistakes weren’t safe. So you got good at being perfect.
I can’t tell you how many high-achievers sit across from me saying things like,
“It makes me nervous to imagine not having that pressure, because I honestly don’t know what’s underneath it. What if I lose my drive?”
That’s the shame loop in action. It whispers, “If you slow down or let up, people will see the truth, that you’re not enough.” So you keep pushing, hoping to outrun it.
How shame wires itself into your nervous system
Here’s where the science side comes in. Shame isn’t just a thought. Your brain and body process it almost like a threat to your survival.
MRI studies show that the same brain regions that light up during physical pain also light up during experiences of social rejection, basically, shame. Your nervous system treats it like danger.
So you get one of those classic survival responses:
Collapse/Freeze: Numb, detached, zoned out, shutting down. Often seen in profound shame.
Fawn: Over-pleasing, appeasing, quickly agreeing, suppressing own needs to maintain attachment.
Fight/Flight: Anxiety, agitation, defensiveness, rumination, over-preparing to avoid errors.
This is why telling yourself, “Just stop caring so much,” never works. Your body literally believes something’s at stake.
The shame-anxiety-perfectionism triangle
I often talk to clients about this triangle. It goes like this:
Shame says, “You’re not enough.”
Anxiety jumps in, “Fix it or hide it before people notice.”
Perfectionism becomes the tool, “If I do everything flawlessly, maybe I’ll finally be safe (i.e. enough).”
But no one can be flawless, so the cycle starts over. It’s painful, but it also makes sense if you understand the old beliefs running underneath.
Where it starts: subconscious beliefs from long ago
This is the part most people miss. The shame loop is powered by subconscious beliefs you picked up as a kid, things like,
“I have to be perfect to be loved.”
“My needs aren’t important.”
“I’m inadequate.”
You didn’t consciously decide these. They grew out of moments where you felt rejected, criticized, or just had to cope with the way things were. But now they run quietly in the background, shaping everything, your choices, your reactions, even your health.
How to break the shame loop
Here’s the good news: your brain and body can learn new ways. It’s slow work, but absolutely possible.
1. Self-compassion
Instead of tearing yourself down when you slip, you learn to treat yourself like you would a friend. This isn’t fluff. Research by Dr. Kristin Neff shows self-compassion lowers cortisol (stress) and calms the nervous system.
2. Corrective experiences
These are moments where you show up imperfectly……messy, real, and nothing terrible happens. You share some vulnerability and get kindness back. You admit a mistake and people still respect you. Each of these moments starts to rewrite the old belief that you’re only worthy if you’re flawless.
3. Nervous system work
Because shame lives in your body too. Practices like grounding, slower breathing, or even pressing your feet into the floor help teach your system it’s okay to stay present. Over time, your body stops reacting like you’re in danger every time you feel exposed.
Before you go
If this hits home, keep exploring. Dig into how these old patterns might still be steering your life. Share this with someone who needs it. Or just start by paying attention to the moments you feel small, that’s often where the real work begins.
If you’re curious to explore what’s really driving your thoughts, choices, and reactions, join the waitlist for my upcoming book. You’ll be first to know when it’s ready, and get insights and tools to start shifting the patterns that keep you stuck.
