From Avoidant to Authentic

Nov 5

I used to think emotional availability meant being warm, open, maybe someone who cried during Pixar movies. I assumed if someone was expressive, helpful, “good at communicating,” they were emotionally available.

I also assumed I was.

Emotional availability has less to do with how talkative or “deep” you seem, and more to do with your capacity to stay emotionally engaged and attuned.

You can have profound intellectual conversations and still be unavailable if you shut down when things feel too real.

It’s about how emotionally safe it feels to be fully seen and still stay connected, to yourself and to someone else.

And for a lot of us?
That kind of closeness doesn’t feel safe at all.

**What Emotional Availability Actually Means**

Let’s get clear on the definition, because this is where most people get tripped up.

Emotional availability isn’t about effort. It’s about vulnerability and safety.

It’s the ability to:

Stay present with your own emotional experience
Share it with someone else (without filtering or hiding)
Stay connected when someone else shares their emotional truth
Allow closeness, even when it feels vulnerable or unfamiliar

That means:

You don’t need to be perfect with your feelings
You don’t need to have the right words
You just need to stay with yourself instead of shutting down or going into “fixer” mode

And here's the nuance: this capacity isn’t just a mindset, it's shaped by your early emotional environment. You don’t get to opt out of that.

How Childhood Conditions Emotional Unavailability

If emotional closeness felt inconsistent, overwhelming, or unsafe when you were little, your nervous system picked up on that.

But it didn’t say, “My parents were emotionally unreliable.”
It said, “Connection isn’t safe. Vulnerability = risk. I need to protect myself.”

That’s where emotional unavailability often starts.

Common childhood setups that shape emotional avoidance:

You had to stay “easy” or “good” to keep the peace
A parent confided in you like an adult, making you emotionally responsible
You were praised for being independent or “mature” (code for: not needing anything)
You were punished, humiliated, or shamed for expressing feelings

As I talk about in my book Unpacked, these setups create a nervous system that learns how to stay hyper-functional, but emotionally disconnected.

We don’t shut down because we don’t care.
We shut down because being seen felt unsafe. So we learned to perform, manage, or disappear emotionally to protect the bond.

Emotional Avoidance Can Look Like Strength

This is where things get tricky, and why so many high-functioning people miss this pattern in themselves.

Emotional unavailability doesn’t always look like someone who’s cold or avoidant.
It can look like:

“I’ve got it handled.”
“I don’t want to burden anyone.”
“I just prefer to process on my own.”
“I’m very independent.”
“I help everyone else, I don’t need anything.”

You might be over-functioning, chronically helpful, always the emotional support person… and still be emotionally unavailable when it comes to receiving.

Why? Because receiving means slowing down. Letting someone in.
Not performing. Not fixing. Not managing.
Just being seen.

And if that never felt safe growing up, your subconscious will still flag it as a threat.

Why You Might Be Attracting Emotionally Unavailable Partners

If you're stuck in a pattern of emotionally distant or inconsistent relationships, you're not alone, and you're not broken.

You’re likely following an old emotional map.
One that says: closeness = confusion, or loss of control, or pain.
Even if you’re craving love and intimacy, a deeper part of you may not trust it.

So when you meet someone actually available, it might feel boring….or too intense….or just “off.”
Because it doesn’t activate the familiar emotional survival strategies.

Here's the truth:
We’re not drawn to what's good for us. We’re drawn to what feels familiar.
And sometimes, what's familiar is distance, unpredictability, or having to prove we’re worthy.

How Emotional “Check-Out” Really Works (And Why It’s Not Your Fault)

Let’s zoom in on what emotional unavailability actually feels like in real time, especially for people who don’t think they “shut down.”

You might not ghost people or withdraw in obvious ways.
You might check out like this:

You nod along but don’t feel much in your body
You mentally rehearse what to say instead of just feeling it
You keep the focus on the other person
You subtly shift into “therapist” or “coach” mode
You change the subject when things get too personal

This is called protective buffering. It’s not conscious. It’s patterned.

And here’s what’s happening underneath:
Your nervous system senses intimacy and goes, “This might not be safe.”
So it short-circuits the moment. You detach, avoid, distract, all without realizing it.

It’s protection. And the good news? Protection patterns can be rewired.

How You Rewire Emotional Availability (Gently)

You don’t force your way into emotional closeness.
You build capacity for it, little by little.

Here’s what that looks like:

Catch the moment you check out. (“Oh, I just deflected instead of sharing something personal.”)
Let one trusted person see you without performance. Not perfectly. Just authentically.
Learn to recognize internal signals. What happens right before you shut down? Tight chest? Racing thoughts? Blank mind? That’s your cue.
Treat avoidance with curiosity, not shame. These patterns are old. They’re smart. They were trying to help.

Healing isn’t about pushing yourself to be raw and open all the time.
It’s about building safety in micro-moments of connection and vulnerability.