It’s All Your Parents’ Fault….Or Is That the Belief Keeping You Stuck?

Blaming Your Parents Is Easy, But Staying There Keeps You Stuck

Let’s be real: blaming our parents feels obvious. When your adult life is full of anxiety, self-doubt, people-pleasing, or perfectionism, it’s natural to look at who raised you and say, “Yep. That’s where it came from.” And honestly? You’re probably not wrong.

Your parents were your blueprint. They taught you - directly or indirectly - what was safe to feel, how to react to stress, whether you were allowed to take up space. So when your internal world is chaotic now, it makes total sense to trace that chaos back to the source.

But here’s where it gets complicated. Even when your parents did mess up - even when they should be held accountable - you might never get the apology or validation you’re looking for. And that might hurt worse than the original wound.

A lot of people stay stuck in limbo, waiting for their mom to say, “I was too critical,” or for their dad to admit, “I didn’t know how to support you emotionally.” That moment of accountability might never come. Maybe they’re not capable of it. Maybe they think they did a good job. Maybe they don’t want to revisit the past. Whatever the reason, it doesn’t change the fact that you’re still carrying the weight of it.

This is the part no one really prepares you for: sometimes healing starts when you stop waiting. When you stop hoping someone else will make it right - and start figuring out how you want to live from here on out.

You Don't Need a “Big T” Trauma for It to Leave a Mark

One of the most common things I hear from clients is, “Nothing that bad happened to me - I had a pretty normal childhood.” And they’re not wrong. There was no screaming. No chaos. No obvious dysfunction. But there was something else: small, repeated moments that felt like nothing to the adult - but everything to the kid.

Because kids don’t internalize intentions. They internalize impact.

You could have had a parent who pushed you to do your best. From the outside, it looked like encouragement. But you didn’t hear “I believe in you.” You heard, “You’re only lovable when you’re achieving.” Now you’re 35, still running yourself into the ground trying to feel worthy.

Or maybe your parents wanted to protect you from pain, so they avoided hard conversations. When you cried, they distracted you. When you were scared, they said, “Don’t worry about it.” Again, good intentions. But the message you got? “My feelings are too much. I should keep them to myself.”

These aren’t one-off moments. They become scripts. And those scripts turn into core beliefs about who you are, what you’re allowed to feel, and what you have to do to be accepted.

Perception is What Shapes the Wound

It doesn’t matter if your parents meant well. It doesn’t even matter if they were trying to do better than their parents. What matters is how you felt - and what you made that feeling mean.

When you're a kid, your brain is still developing the ability to make sense of complex situations. The emotional part of your brain (amygdala) develops early and stores memories based on feelings—fear, shame, rejection. The logical part (prefrontal cortex) comes in much later. So if something felt unsafe, your body and nervous system logged it as unsafe. Whether or not it actually was doesn’t change the imprint.

This is why so many high-functioning adults struggle with things like panic, overthinking, and shame without knowing why. It’s not because they had a “bad” childhood. It’s because they had a bunch of moments that taught them who they had to be to feel safe and accepted.....and that version of them isn’t working anymore.

So What Now? You Break the Pattern.

You can’t rewrite your childhood. You can’t force your parents to get it. But you can look at the patterns you’re carrying and decide which ones you’re done with. That’s where breaking generational trauma starts - not with blame, but with awareness. With being willing to say, “This belief was a survival strategy, but now it’s holding me back.”

And no, it’s not fair that the work is on you. But it’s also your chance to stop passing these patterns down. To stop replaying the same emotional blueprint in your relationships, your parenting, your career, and your self-worth.

Because the truth is, maybe it was their fault at one point. But now? It’s your responsibility. And that’s where things finally start to change.